you paint the sky with promises of Your grace

it's crazy how much saying a prayer could do, last night was hell and today was full of good news

Thank you God

why are we still holding on, it's never enough for you

why the fk am I always taking shit from you

my arms are starting to loosen and my legs are ready to make a break for it

cause we gonna be jealous, selfish, playing the dirty game, fighting for the thrill of it

http://discreetkisses.tumblr.com/post/178669041735

sounds good to me

bitch, I'm young stoney, I do what I want

bb postyyyyy ♥ ♥ ♥

it's insane how his voice just turns into liquid gold that just flows into my ears through my earpiece

come to SG baby!!!

what you mean to me, there's a chill in the air and a sinking feeling

joke's on you cause you thought you got the better of me

but the whole world knows how pathetic you are

you aren't a man

just an overgrown boy that thinks with his penis

and acting pathetic, painting a story to your friends, naming me as the transgressor

used to treat you as one of my closest friends since high school days

but it's safe to say that you belong in the trash now

why do I pull you close, and then ask you for space

Tell me God, is this a sign? Are you trying to make me see that this is impossible and irrational, that not only my fingers will get burnt, but I’ll end up with third-degree burns all over my body at the end of it all?

Two girls seated next to me on the train were having a conversation about one of their exes, and she shared how she couldn’t resist physical intimacy even though they both knew it was wrong to engage in pre-marital sex. Through and through, they ended things badly because she felt ashamed, dirty and used by her then boyfriend that coaxed her into the indulgence of carnal pleasures. They both met through church but she didn’t know he would be so persistent to encourage her to sin, again and again. Her friend started sharing about how we should all put God as our bedrock in a relationship, because it’s His unconditional and inexhaustible love that will bind a couple together.

I can’t helped but look back at all 4 of my failed relationships, they all ended tragically and I think I see a common theme. None of the boys I'd dated shared the same relationship I have with God. One of them was verbally abusive and hurt me so badly when I was at my lowest. He would constantly chide me for drinking and smoking excessively, but he was a hypocrite.

Another cheated on me when he was in Japan with his friends, yet he always claimed to be madly in love with me, and would do anything to hide from his family that he wasn’t a good and proper Muslim boy. He could still bring up the fact of asking me to quit pork for him and do other ridiculous things against my beliefs. Another hypocrite, and he assumed I would convert to Islam for him, even though he was a terrible one.

I’m scared, and although I always appear to be reckless and unthinking, a lot of my time goes to bouncing all these thoughts in my tiny brain, and struggling to prevent a sudden eruption of cerebral fluids.

I want to run away from this because it's fucking with my head, but this person just keeps pulling and letting go of the rope, playing me like a game of tug-of-war. And I know one day when I tug onto the rope, I'd find nobody there, because the person would be gone just like that. And once again, I'm left like a heap of bones on the ground, beaten and battered.

it lingers when we're done, you'll believe God is a woman

this could be wrong, this could be right, but then again, I'm not one to discern between the black and white

think we need to rewind, you text that boy sometimes, must be more than three times

http://discreetkisses.tumblr.com/post/177097559445/we-close-our-eyes-blind-our-pain-nobody-ever

doing it all just to feel things, drinking's enough of a vice

heading towards subzero really soon
there's no cold-wear, no heat packs, no warm food
nothing but the wind, the cold, the snow
am I ready for school?
no


2 March 2018, Edinburgh, United Kingdom

oh I hope some day I'll make it out of here, even if it takes all night or a hundred years

has it really been 2-3 weeks???

thank you all so much, for this whirlwind saga made up of so many mini adventures

it's like every chapter of this journey is slowing healing me from my severe anxiety of having to be back in Singapore after so long

we never got it right, playing and replaying old conversations, overthinking every word and I hate it

I know this is abrupt, I know it's gonna be explosive, I know that even before it starts, I can already see the end

I know this will break me, perhaps even in more ways than I have ever been broken

I know this is temporal, I know the gratifications are only minute, I know this is being treated as a game

I know

But you know what

I'm still gonna do it

you know, my thoughts are running loose, it's just a thing you make me do

http://discreetkisses.tumblr.com/post/176298427165/gosh-via-weheartit

don’t you take me for a fool, in this game, I own the rules

wiped my slate clean, polished the insides of my brain

singularity has opened my eyes

I'm ready to just focus on myself

and this trip has been great so far

thank you



tell me, is it true that everyone that enters the scene is here solely for the short-haul, telling me things that make my heart go dizzy, before fking me over a thousand times

but it might take a hundred sleepless nights to make the memories of you disappear

new adventure starts tomorrow, and I'm diving in headfirst

see you on the other side

fuck your feelings, truth is only hearsay, we're just left to decay, modernity has failed us

so many chances but the fog was too heavy, how could our visions be so clear yet clouded concurrently, I don’t think anyone was ready to leap and make first blood, but fire was blazing in the bloodstreams and we evidently wanted more than just the ordinary

saw the pictures on the wall - this way, they live

the best of us fall down sometimes, if you haven't been paying attention, the universe doesn't make sense

and you'd be able to apply Murphy's Law to virtually anything

but that's the whole point of it all - who wants to do the possible, when they can break boundaries and be championing a novel idea

who wants stability in the long run when it just leads to boredom and decomposed lives

who wants all the good things in life when it's the bad that makes us better

who wants...

well I wished you had not died

I would have gladly taken your place

so that you could enjoy your final years

making merry, spending time with family

playing mahjong, going through the entire 24-pack cans of beer

bickering with Grandpa, then having long chats by the pool



when I was hitting the road and traversing Eastern Europe, I looked up at the sky

and it was as if I'd caught a glimpse of the gateway to heaven

was it you calling out to me, was it God telling me that home is here

was it? was it? was it?

so I twist and turn, but here am I in my little bubble

not trying to say I'm tired of this earth, but yes I'm tired of this earth

are we all destined to work 9 to 6 jobs and return home feeling exhausted, only to repeat it again the very next day?

I'm desperate for new experiences, new sights, new sounds, new smells

take me out of here and bring me somewhere distant

and tell me there's a possibility of never having to be a cliché in this shit town

No one wants it to happen to you

"The gaps may be closed
The visible escape
Just a blur
The cold tap of the facts
You realise
We live in the dark
We do what we can
The rest is up to chance
And no one wants it to happen to you"

                                                                                 -Small Black



Realised I did not have any sort of mixer at home, so I had to compromise

And then a thought flashed through my mind, no amount of compromise will ever bring me back to the carefree days of my exchange in Europe...

It was like an extended dream...and the nightmare was having to wake up

I wanna peer over the edge and see in death if we are always the same

Welcome to reality - when you’ve reached the peak of happiness and freedom, watch out for the rollercoaster drop that propels you down a chute all the way to the bottom.

And do not expect a soft landing, your fall will be fast and hard, and the sound of your body making contact with the ground will resonate with such tremendous brilliance - you’ll start to question yourself.

The spinning top scene from Inception will pop into mind, was it merely a dream all along?

With your neck craning for a breath of air to inflate your punctured lungs, a wide grin will appear on your bloodied face - dream or not, you’re happy about it, because it was the best thing that has ever happened to you.

Thank you GEM Explorer.

See you in 14 hours, Singapore.

these sensations barely interest me, for another day

it’s true how guys stop trying after they’ve gotten what they want

like friends don’t lie and it all tastes the same in the dark

天下没有不散的宴席
我最不期待的日子在慢慢的接近来
该怎么办呢
我就是太习惯住在欧洲
也不能容忍新加坡的生活方式
可以不要回去吗

因为我已经发觉到
”家”不是个地方
反而，它是个感觉
在这里，我经历过好多幸福的感觉
所以不舍得离开
快让我逃避现实吧

Ken had it all, Skipper wanted more than watching from the sidelines, wish that she had it

here's to me being able to make it out alive, and live to tell stories about it

wish I could grow a beard, just to show how much I've aged in my travels

experiences are overflowing, my cup is forever full thanks to His grace

and I can't wait, I can't wait to pour more wine, let it seep into the ground, to the toes of my feet

and I'll grow even taller with the newfound fertiliser, towering above the saplings

you should've known better than to listen to your heart again, people change with the weather

for all the lost opportunities, and the unforgiving nature of separation, but perhaps absence will make the yearning grow fonder, and then act as the catalyst for reckless, yet soulful interactions, in the near future

wish we would be closer, but we're speaking different tongues, and like a kind mirage that's been playing the desert sun, everything I wanted became nothing real at all

picturing it is one thing, but feeling it is probably unreal and ethereal
the waves crashing against the sand, seeping into the ground and becoming a single entity
awaiting the day where I get hopelessly inebriated so that I could fly to the stars and die in your arms

寒流来了, 刚好可以把你手放外套, 把安全帽戴好, 不要在爱情路上跌倒

多一天，我就能玩到爽，非常期待自由!!!

dark blue, dark blue, have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

Don't want to go back, no, not there again.

The place of broken dreams and hearts.

But the temptresses are the entrenched voices yelling "That's where you belong! That's where you grew up! That's where you'd learnt how to love! That's where family is! That's where all your friends are! That's where you'll find comfort amongst strangers! That's where you were born and that's where you will die!"

Not so soon, no, just a little longer...

Did you hear the notes, all those static codes, in the radio abyss?

Gather all your sad songs and make a playlist, vomit your feelings into a bottle and throw it into the sea, hoping it will never find its way back to shore.

I don't think happiness ever stays for long, so I guess it's time I start looking for something else instead.

Euphoria, addiction, sadness, anything really, just to keep my mind off things.

And now are you on your way, to a new tension, headache

Trainspotting (1996) is a marvellous film.

http://discreetkisses.tumblr.com/post/173736769515

And it was also filmed in my favourite city, Edinburgh.

candy paint with the white on top

One of the most humbling experiences ever is to travel solo.

I guess it’s about getting out of your comfort zone, and dropping the fear of people seeing you by yourself (this is made so much easier because no one will recognise me on the streets of Europe ha ha).

Then the next step is much simpler - opening up to people, a first ‘Hello’ can go a long way, and end up with a ‘Tell me if you’re visiting xxx next time, I’ll show you around’.

I met an English guy, a Danish girl, an Oregon guy, a Polish guy, a Polish girl, a Hongkong girl, two Taiwanese girls, a Brazilian doctor, a Bordeaux guy, a Columbian guy and a Japanese girl, all within a span of five days in Dublin and Belfast - thank you.

Thank you for swapping travel stories and sharing a part of yourselves with me, it’s sad that real life encounters will eventually lead to just being friends on FB and Instagram, but these stories, I’ll keep them as long as my memory prevails.

Everybody's blind when the view's amazing, damn, who are we right now?

this broke my heart in so many ways...yet we still allow it to happen because what's the human race without modern medicine
with or without drugs, we're still monsters inside

I am not the only traveler who has not repaid his debt

Will I ever be the same again?

No, my friend.

The thing is, I don't want to be the same again.

I have evolved and I'm ready to face what's coming.

And when I return, I'll be a better version of the hollow shell I was yesteryear.

And you will question my existence in the past, thinking if I have lived at all.

The answer is a resounding no, I have merely existed but not lived.

Maybe it's the crazy that I miss.

But it won't get better than this.

It's funny how you thought me to be a nihilist,

I may have forsaken certain beliefs and morals,

But gained so much more in the process.

You'll always be a cornerstone in my life,

And maybe one day, I'll be able to do the same for you.

we’ve wasted too much time again, so tell my friends that I just had an accident

gotta work on my slav squats and dance moves while grooving to Cheeki Breeki Hardbass Anthem?????????????????

but your clothes say different on my bedroom floor

merely sitting there, looking lifeless
watching the world go by through my tinted glasses
side glances, seeing him busy with his phone
plugged in, listening to ear honey
then the tears flow freely as I try not to move or make a sound

this is it, isn't it - to feel at peace, to be just part of the clockwork, to have a moment just to yourself

and that is it, head propped up, staring at the cloudy skies, where I'll be when I cease to exist

Jardin des Tuileries - my favourite park, I'm definitely coming back again.

it’s like dancing when the song’s already over

应该找一个会爱和宠我的人...而不是个胸无大志的失败者

Night stretches to beyond the darkness, it wraps around me and I wake up heartless

these feelings, they're changing like the seasons

thankfully there are more upcoming travels to smother my feelings senseless, so that's definitely something I'm pumped up about

flashback to the dizzy times of drunken and hazy nights, at least the bottles and burning sticks will never let me down.

And there's a taste in my mouth as desperation takes hold

This shouldn't even be worth posting here, but I get so, so fucking frustrated with really irresponsible players.

What's the point of using a new character on Ranked, when you've yet to master it?? There's Classic or A.I. for that bitch.

Or even bragging that you've used Fanny 200 times but your win rate is still at a shitty 40% - doesn't it give you a clue to play something else since you suck at it?

I get really tired playing game after game but getting teamed up with these idiots that just throw the game when the timer hasn't even hit 10 mins.

There's a fucking map, please WATCH it instead of blind farming???? And stop thinking you're invincible and being able to 1 vs 3 - you're just feeding the damn enemy and letting them get more gold.

And what, saying "Attack the Lord" when you're a mere level 10 and the enemy team is still alive?

You're blatantly asking to get ganked and then letting them KS it.

fkkkkkkkkkkkkk

I know we're getting sober but that's not on my mind

depression strikes at the unlikeliest of times, you could be in a crowd full of people, swaying to the music, and then it hits you like an eighteen-wheeler
who are you, what are you doing here, who are all these people
just as sudden as its entrance, the feeling vacates your body in a fleeting moment
and then you're back to where you came from

lighting stog after stog, I choke on the smoke

Holed up, listening to Post Malone and Kungfu Kenny...why are the feelings rushing in and out???

Looked back and saw how far I've come, did I ever expect to enter university? No.

Presented with the opportunity to have such a good experience during my most recent internship? No.

Got offered to enjoy a semester in the UK? No.

I get it now, it's the bad things that cloud our visions, but take a moment to dissipate the fumes, and you'll see the mountains that you've scaled thus far.

Who gon' pray for me?

XXXXX, [07.03.18 12:40]
Mel why you doing this ah

XXXXX, [07.03.18 12:40]
you're like the guy in the rs leh

lol

My world's on fire, how about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

so fucking ridiculous why I'm always depriving myself of what I really deserve,

not this knock-off version of a future that seems so bleak I can't even see anything in it but flames

fuck

This man said "it's gruesome that someone so handsome should care"

School's been cancelled, thanks to the killer snowstorm which is apparently the worst one to hit the UK in 50 years.

I've practically spent my entire day watching the first season of Fresh of the Boat.

Got me contemplating, if traveling to a foreign place & partying are what gives me kicks and make my heart flutter, I should actually consider doing more things without trepidation.

Pack up my bags and leave?

Sure thing.


Stockholm, Sweden

Today could have been the day everybody was laughing, instead, I just sit here and cry

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
2 Timothy 4:7

This quote from the Bible kills me a little on the inside whenever I chance upon it.

Has it really been a year? I remember everyone celebrating the first day of the Lunar New Year when I was weeping my heart out.

I remember the arduous and cold night spent in the hospital, the nervous handholding and praying, the flatline on the ECG, the sound of family wailing, the white sheets surrounding the void deck, the 5 days where I barely slept, the pastors leading prayers, the hymn singing, the cold metal portable loo, the abundance of flower wreaths, the taking of turns to read out our eulogies, the hugging of friends and family, the hoards of people saying their final goodbyes, the long journey to the crematorium, yet more sounds of people wailing, the final funeral service at the service hall, the arrangement of flowers on the coffin, the mechanic carrier transporting the coffin into the flames, the burning smell in the air, the collection of ashes, the placement of the urn into the church's columbarium, everything.

And these flashbacks, they'll haunt me for life.

Trying to get high, I can't deny, the world thinks you're left behind in solitude

Here, I'll tell you what sparks joy, an innumerable amount of things.

But here's one of my most recent encounters with joy, just about 20 mins ago.

There's this thing, this tidy little tool called Spotify, and oh gosh, do I love it, to find new music and rediscover tunes.

Thanks to its trusty algorithm, I'm reunited with a band that I've been following close to 8 years (they're actually 15 years of age currently), Airiel. They have recently released a new album in 2017 and I'm re-starstruck.

Their first song that blessed my ears 8 years ago was In Your Room, and boy, if only I could fathom words to describe the track, ethereal??? Or how about ethereal x10000 times.

I never knew a song could be that long (9:26 mins), and that it could invoke so many emotions.

I kept replaying the song as an emo-ass kid, because I was crazily infatuated with this boy from my CCA.

He made everything seem like a fairytale, there was once when a girl got seriously injured when she was playing catching with her friends - basically, the window pane from the ground floor staircase broke and cut her hand deep, and as first aiders, we had to rush to help. He grabbed my hand, and we ran all the way from the St John's room to the scene of the accident. I didn't even know why my heart was buzzing rapidly - was it from the seriousness of the first aid disaster or from the adrenaline that shot through my bloodstream when we were running while locking hands?

After that, we flirted back and forth during trainings, we went on dates, spent hours at the arcade & cinema, we even performed in an annual dinner whereby we were the main stars of a love skit.

We would text till late at night, and he would handwrite love letters to pass to me during lessons and CCA.

And then the inevitable happened, he lost feelings and started chasing one of my juniors. All hell broke loose cause heartbreak seemed so foreign until that very moment.

The worst feeling that I had experienced in that year was when I saw them on a date at McDonalds, him looking at me and then quickly avoiding my eyes.

But this song, amongst many other songs, got me through the experience, and it also broke way to me falling in love with many other tracks by Airiel.

Looking back, I can't help but laugh at my pubescent self for being so naive, and also really glad that YouTube recommended me that song when I felt like my insides were being crushed like paper.

even when it's rainy all you ever do is shine

Throwback to exactly a year ago, happy Valentine's, n00b

Halfway round the world lies the one thing that you want

I wish life would be like this, in the long haul.

Being halfway round the world has taught me a multitude of things.

For instance, the value of money:

Back when I was in SG, I used to eat out around 4-5 times a week, without having the aptitude to control my expenses.

Right here in the UK, eating out costs a lot more (picture the strengthening Great Britain Pound against the weakening Singapore Dollar), so I tend to avoid doing so unless it's a lazy night or if we're heading out for drinks after.

But then again, the groceries here are slightly cheaper, so it makes a lot of sense to cook, which is what I do on the regular.

Another cost disparity between the UK and SG is the cost of flights in general, and I'm referring to those offered by budget airlines.

Ryanair has got to be the best thing ever, I've flown with them twice, and in the weeks ahead, I'm gonna fly with them another 7 more times. I have 2 more scheduled flights with Norwegian Air & Wizz Air.

Let's take an example for comparison, if I were to search for the cheapest return tickets from Singapore to Bangkok for April, Skyscanner will give me a result of a Scoot (to) and Air Asia (fro) flight at SGD$144 (£77). Whereas if I were to search Edinburgh to Everywhere, I am able to get a return flight to Eindhoven, Netherlands or Dublin, Ireland for the price of £31.

You get the picture. Airport taxes aren't that steep in Europe so many low-cost carriers are able to offer really good deals to consumers.

And that means I should maximise my stay here by planning as many trips as possible, because it would be an impossible feat for me to enjoy such good rates again when I head back.

Everything balances out, the food here is expensive, the flights are cheap, accommodation is steep (I paid $4500 for 5 months of rent, mind you.)

But then again, I feel like I'm a more whole person when I'm here. I don't know how to describe this, but for the past 2 years when I was in Singapore, I felt like I was missing something. But being right here, it's as if the void has been filled, and I've become a more complete version of myself.

This may be the night that my dreams might let me know, all the stars are closer

Just attended a group meeting with some full-time students and realised things are pretty packed here.

I have 2 3000 words essays, a full-fledged business report that requires appendices and interviews, and a case presentation all due on the last week of March.

Downloaded a couple of past-year papers and realised skipping classes for the past weeks has been a mistake oops.

The questions are literally unsmokeable, guess I need to squeeze in a bit of studying amidst the fun and the traveling if I wanna at least get a pass for all my modules...

But still, fun > studies bro, that's the unmistakable tagline that will not be shaken.

So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits

Peculiar fact: the clubs here don't play EDM, but instead pop/rock from decades ago

Just picture the dance floor, flooded with eager youths, jumping with their hands up to the likes of Kings of Leon, Matchbox Twenty, Oasis, Semisonic, The Fray...you get the gist, old school goodies, and singing their hearts out.

I feel revived, amidst the chaos.

And only the water remains, the fear is falling away

No more bondage, remember?

Never forget what the terrorland did to you, wash away the promises of yesterday.

It's a new town, it's a new human and she has every right to do as she pleases.

"no cares in the world"

spark up, buzz cut

one week in, and I think I can get used to this

everyone's so friendly, the drinks are cheaper than juice, and the party never ends, not in the city of Edinburgh

Dragging my feet, I feel like everybody's watching

It's crazy, so crazy, how ready am I exactly?

My luggage's unpacked, but ironically, my schedule leading up to D-day is fking packed.

I know that no matter how weary I am of the Motherland, I will end up missing this bittersweet place and its people.

Everything seems to be moving like clockwork, but I'm like the stubborn minute hand that refuses to budge as time goes on.