stop me if you think that you’ve heard this one before

funny thing is that I gave away my youth my attention my everything.

but if said person in mind is ready to jeopardise everything at once, I’ll make sure that I’ll get the final laugh - cause I’ll hurt you before you can even come close to doing the same.

staring at two different views on your window ledge

I guess it's high time for a normal post - so here are some snapshots taken during my brief stay in Taiwan last week.

lifetime to live, but I just wanna push away

what I needed was silence

what am I even feeling

why is my soul bleeding

run away

water or wine, don't make me choose

there's a voice that's nagging at the back of my brain

is this really what I want

or am I merely being blinded by the floodlights

only time will tell

feel insane, like I can't trust my own brain

can't wait to take flight, you have no idea how long these wings have been clipped

that's the redeeming factor of November

then come December, it's time for the genesis of my emblem

hither January, and I'm leaving my prints in foreign soil, goodbye Motherland.

found peace in your violence

awkward encounters on the only day I went back to NTU in the entire semester

but phew

thank goodness you're no longer the one that's pulling onto my heartstrings

when you're tired and you're weary, and you have no strength to go on

I did everything I could, trying to salvage every tiny bit of headway I worked so hard for.

And it really sucked when I encountered roadblock after roadblock from all directions.

But the moment I let go, and let God, miracles blossomed, it's incredible, and I wish I could show you what abounds for those who are touched by His grace.

you're like a fire on a summer night, or getting caught in the rain

I love it when people talk about the things you did in the past, it was as if you were this unheeding, reckless yet charming individual that did things truly because you wanted to.

And did you know how many lives you have touched?

I'm not even afraid of fading out cause at least it'll bring me closer to you.

the splinters left me blind, I had to change my mind

Sat down and started planning, and then realising how expensive this adventure of a lifetime is gonna cost me.

But I'm still gonna go for it headfirst, cause I made so many sacrifices and decisions for this one chance.

Rent is gonna set me back for at least $5500, and school fees by $5000, and let's not forget an unknown sum(probably 10-12k) for living and travel expenses.

I'm ever ready though, time for some cost-cutting measures...

I'm so used to being in the wrong, I'm tired of caring

I was wondering 'bout your mama, did she get that job she wanted?

Mother threw her a question, but she exited the room hastily to avoid an interrogation.

Fast-forward to the morning where both of them were in the kitchen, an awkward silence fell upon between them amidst sounds coming from the stove and the dryer.

Face turned red and she returned to her room, took out every single memorabilia associated with the disgraceful act.

Shoved them into a bag and threw it into the main garbage chute.

Made a promise to never do it again, not for Mother, not for any other, but herself.





"你抽烟啊?"

It's like constantly I'm second guessing, I've been drinking just to get it off my mind

cause you're only human, this shit happens

without you, I feel lost at sea

And every gulp of tipple I swallow is an ode to your legacy, I just wish you were still alive and kicking...

Would your eyes be gleaming with pride, or would you turn your head away in disdain?

I think I like myself better when I'm not sober, was that the reason why you would intoxicate yourself at every given moment?

I hope I'll be half as cool as you when I have grandkids...

young dumb broke high school kids

Just fight a little longer my friend, it's all worth it in the end

It has been a crazy week.

With rollercoaster-like movements.

But I'm really pleased with the outcome.

I was feeling so depressed at a certain point of my life, and I just didn't see the need to walk on any further.

But God renewed my faith and restored my energy and I'm loving it - I'm having such a huge appetite for life.

And I couldn't say or wash it away, the things that I had hid inside, I tried & tried

I am just so disappointed, how could someone I should look up to, actually make me feel this way?

If we weren't related by blood, I probably wouldn't care.

And as much as I tell myself I really hate you, it's undeniable that I still love you.

You're creating havoc and striking chaos all the time, but I hope you will finally see the light, or else no one will be there to rescue you anymore.

I thought I was altruistic, making sacrifices all the time, but when I look into her eyes, do I actually know who the true MVP is...

I'll give my time, my life, solely because of you.

And I hope you'll understand I didn't choose the battered path just to go against the rules, I'm just trying to use my depravity as a coping mechanism.

I cannot fathom living life without you both.

And the irony is that what's killing me is actually what's keeping me human.

Don't need no advice, I got a plan. I know the direction, the lay of the land.

Just a quick one before I leave for NTU.

Penang was one of the best decisions I made this summer, I have learned so much from so many people, and it was a very humbling experience as a whole.

But really grateful for Yang as well, our common passion of seeing the world has made this trip so worthwhile and fulfilling.

I used to be so insecure about all the choices that I have/had made but my current one - I have a really good feeling about it.

If I get to see it through, then I'll be the luckiest girl on this earth. Even mumsy is supportive of it, what's one year off your studies if you actually get to live carefree for months?

I have grown up and I'm ready to learn how to fly.

so don't let someone find you until you find yourself

adiós
self-exploration in progress

your arms are weary but you’re trying to hide this

fking viral infection got the better of me, throwing me into twirls of melancholy and depression, but I'm back from the dead

ready to make irrational decisions once more

did a fair bit of thinking and I know the problem lies with me

why does it feel like I've just got out of rehab

am I really a better version of myself, or was it all just a facade

a mere placebo effect

it's time to pull a disappearing act again cause there is no because

I see the kingdom of heaven, pierce the dark with endless light

paying true homage to the 80s

you're always shutting down my conversation, I can never read your mind

I feel like I'm gonna collapse any moment from this fever

& I'm coughing up blood unrelentlessly

& I vomited multiple times at 1AM

& I have no energy to visit the GP

so I guess this is it, I'm dying young

And now it's over, we're sober

as we lay under the stars, I can't help but look back and be thankful - it has been almost a decade since we've known each other but some things never change, nor will they ever die

// on a separate note, the testimonies during yesterday's service really struck a chord with me - I believe I can overcome this, for I am the righteousness of God in Christ

If I could just inhale some chill, it's like I'm living out in space

reclining in my own personal library with my dog badgering for attention every other minute, while my other half is preparing food for me in the kitchen

people have so many interpretations of happiness but this is all I really want in the future

what we've got is like a movie, and I'm not above a good cliché

goodness... I guess goodbyes are never easy, even if they're temporal.

And the blood streets and the new wave, it's the renaissance of these days

It's miserable, trying to avoid your eyes because I was afraid of getting lost in them.

But for a split second, I did consider just letting my guard down, but the fumes were clouding your eyes.

So many fluids one would think that I'd sink, but I was clearly floating in my perpetual dreamy yet sorrowful state of mind.

http://discreetkisses.tumblr.com/post/162902631440

用来解闷消愁

they say, quitters never win... so I shouldn't quit it

我用背叛自己, 完成你的期盼

Because of a lone rotten fruit in the basket that I can't bear to throw away, I'm risking my entire basket of produce.

Is this even fair to me?

berhana berhana mother f

What's the point of trying so hard when you'll never succeed... I swear I'll forget the existence of many by tonight

?????????? No time for trashy people ???????????

is it wrong to rock thev booze, we gotta strike a match and light he fuse

I may krtk may not be drunk after a night of downinglitres and litres of beer and lighting up so many sticks in anifht, but I just wanna say I feel so blessed to be able to meet up with this bunch of friends that really made me truly see the revelation on the problems ive faced lately. Thank you, for not being a 'crusader of the healthy lifestyle', for just listening to everything I have to share, for being understanding and most importantly, being accepting of me: I'm typing this as I'm on the Grab ride back home and I see so Many red lines hence suggesting many spelling/grammatical errors but imln fix them when I'm in a better state of mind: Thank you for. Not just plainly asking me to 'gtfo of this madness', you don't know how much this means to me..:: Do I really need people to tell me excessive indulgence of debauchery is bad for my health?? I went through so many years of conventional fucking education, I did so many years of biology, who doesn't know the harms and effects of such actions???? But sometimes when I'm at my lowest, I simply just want a listening ear, not a judgmental view of my fuckigng lifestyle, I don't need you to tell me this and that is detrimental to my health. Who are you to criticize me when you people eat fucking oily food all the time and are abstaining from exercise, aren't the effects of obesity and inactivity just as bad as exchensigr consumption of alcohol and nicotine and others... I just can't stand hypocrites that feel like they're of a highiert standing thhan others. But I'm thankful, I'm so grateful that I don't feel like the lone black sheep of the lot, they think I'm messed up but thanks for shoueibng I'm not the only one and thank you guys formoreope ing my eyes.

You look like Sundays with my ex

The smell will linger for hours in my hair and fingertips,
but I feel like a queen when I command the mini clouds to permeate the air.

There's no retreat and no escape, we keep dreaming while we're wide awake

Happy birthday to my favourite sister, for being such a role model to me since I was just a stupid, young & naive thing.

We recently got into a huge fight during a family vacation, and when I was weeping on the kitchen floor of the KSL apartment, did I actually realise how important she is to me. I felt a part of me dying inside.

You wouldn't believe how relieved I was when we made up and hugged in the elevator.

Thank you for always being the sensible and reasonable one amongst the 3 of us, the mediator to arguments, the advisor to problems, the ultimate blessing.

I'm too shy to tell you in person, but I do love you very much.

well king midas put his hands on me again

No matter how great something might be in the present, I don't think it can ever beat the past.

This wild concoction of happiness and nostalgia is one that is unparalleled to any other.

And that's why we all get drunk on our tears, and look back at the bygone days.

You said I should eat my feelings

http://timbllr.nl/post/161537850767

I flip the script like I can take a beating

This is the dichotomy that exists between the reckless and the cautious,
choose a side and do not waver.
The only way for them to coincide,
is through the union of two opposites.

I said "I'm not something to butter up and taste when you get bored"

当所有的人给你偏见
想要解释都觉得累
不要忘记了你曾多快乐

Damn, love or lust. Damn, all of us.

绝对不会错过, 绝对不会罢休, 等着瞧吧。

不管多么艰苦, 我会不停地奋斗。

行为虽然看起来像个败类, 但我保证我的意图是好的。

Somewhere, I lost a piece of me, smoking cigarettes on balconies

What I learned from service: Let go and let God.

Maybe it's not about curbing addictions, maybe it's all about loving God with all your heart, and then learning to love yourself.

He gets drunk on just plain living

If I'm really bad at being good, then maybe I should just stay rotten.

Dear Ana, I can't live without you, but it's killing me to keep you alive

I'm just really upset with myself.



Went jogging today at prp and I had an epiphany - just hours ago, I was treading the same path with PZ at night, puffing away. And it's so ironic how I keep telling myself I want to be healthy, because the people around me are sickly, and I never want to be like them.

You think your health only affects you, and you give yourself reasons to relapse but that's just bullshit. When you grow old, when your bones weaken, when your body fails you, do you know who gets implicated instead? Your own damn family. And I hate how fucking irresponsible adults are, aren't they supposed to be the wise ones?

I don't wanna be like you. I don't ever want to follow your footsteps.

And I guess that means I'm making huge changes.

...oh who am I kidding

While the Earth gets large and loud, are you breathing now? Here's the ground

You let people down intentionally because the same has been done to you before.

Everything comes to a full circle, otherwise it wouldn't be called the circle of life.

And you can't really fault anyone for it, for it all began when the first human actually started being a douchebag to another.

Perhaps we're all interlinked, built to be pantomimes for another.

Oh, I left my heart in Amsterdam, I really need that feeling back

Have you ever gotten to the point where your head spins, vision blurs, hearing heightens, speech slurs and you lose all sensory control and you just feel as though you're one with the zipping vehicles and road lights?

And then you start seeing things you don't normally see, the vibrating neon lights, the orange hues saturating the road tarmac, the hoards of tourists with distorted faces in a foreign land and you just laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

End of the story is inevitably tragic, because all good things must come to a halt.

Now if I keep my eyes closed, he looks just like you

Just when an adventure comes to an end, another begins tomorrow, and admittedly, I'm nervous but come at me, great big world.

Because I think I've already found direction in my life, and I'm gonna work towards improving myself to be a better person.

It's always gonna be 100 or nothing, baby.

gotta play the hand if you dealt it

Is there a way to describe this feeling?

Afraid of the impending doom yet I can't wait for the short-term gratification right after.

I'm obviously not built to last, perhaps built to be the last.

Quoting Clement's very simple but relatable catchphrase, "Watch me rabak."

And she'll tease you, she'll unease you

This seems all too familiar to me, haven't we been here before?
We take one step forward and end up being two steps back.

Locking me in, knocking me out
Talking like you do

Why would you wait, on a train that's never coming

Told Mumsy about my upcoming trip and she was her usual concerned self.

"Are you sure it's safe??", "Go to the places that are crowded, avoid ulu places, ok?"

I did promise her that I'll stay safe, but I didn't mention anything about my sobriety ahahah.

I'll be back in no time to celebrate your birthday and Mother's Day with you, my fav woman in this universe.

Funny how when I don't care, these feelings all resurface

My first backpacking adventure - I'm somewhat scared yet excited.

It's gonna be a crazy one week from tomorrow onwards but I hope to find myself again in foreign soil after my vomit-inducing MA paper.

One little check off my bucket list, and one little escapade before my 10-weeks stint in the concrete jungle.

I'm ready to get lost, I'm ready to get things off my mind, I'm readyyyyy, come at me, great big world.

I can’t find her, in the 90210

Littering conversations with misleading matters and double entendres in an untimely fashion, and expecting reciprocation.

You can be the textbook definition of a manipulative bitch.

Give me a run for my money, there is nobody, no one to outrun me

If I had another go, I wish I didn't get so intoxicated so many times this semester. The amount of times I had turned up to class with a terrible hangover and in a daze, the times I didn't even bother going for lessons because I was too dead on the inside, my dipping quality of work just because I'd rather spend time on a night of fun or to nurse a hangover.

And now I have to face the consequences, not knowing shit for my elective and being a dumb fk when it comes to MA. 15 AUs this sem compared to my hellish 21 AUs last sem, yet I'm not even coping considerably well now compared to a year ago.

What am I doing with my life, I detest this never-ending paper chase.

She's got seven personalities, every one's a tragedy

就算我会喝醉,
就算我会心碎,
不会看见我流泪

Passionate from miles away, passive with the things you say

Ok so I've chanced upon this series of funny videos that got me laughing like mad, like really really mad. And I ended up watching ALL the videos.

It's so absurd, and you know I love all things weird and unconventional.

https://www.facebook.com/Chef.MsYeah/

I don't even use Facebook, except for checking reviews on cafes, restaurants, bars, clubs and the likes of it.

But I'm really glad I saw this page HAHAHAHAHAHA I legit wanna be that woman, just doing ludicrous stuff during office hours and not giving a shit (I know they're scripted, but damn, wouldn't it be great if they could be a reality?).

As we lay among the silence and you see it now, the colours pour out, feeling bluer in the morning

不令人激动, 怎么让人喜欢?
生命太简短了,
不要怪我们没兴趣.

You keep me wondering what it's like on the other side

*in Bing's voice* Could 2017 be any more shitty????????????

We halved a cigarette and overthink where it went so wrong

This may all just be a fantasy that I will never get to see through.

I tried to put you on a plane, I tried to rip you from his hand

but I like that cause he still looks cool, she's got a boyfriend anyway

Hey, what's that from above? Is it love for blood?

Time to put a halt to this childishness and to start adulting.

This feels worse than the hangover I had after ZoukOut.

I'm tired of watching the shadows on the wall, my eyes are foreseeing

I lost her to cancer, but somehow, I think I lost a part of myself in the process.

Was it my sanity, my humanity, my soul...? Or bits and pieces of everything?

Does this make me a more ruthless and uncaring creature? Because a change is apparent - lackadaisical, unfeeling and senseless seem like words befitting a description of the person I see in the mirror now.

And I know that I don't fit in, but I want, but I want you anyway

Been wanting one since forever, but never really put much thought into it until recently.

I think I'm ready for one.

Though I'll definitely approach this one with caution, it's gonna be simple, it's gonna be meaningful, it's gonna be something that reflects me.

But there are still many things to consider such as:

-How am I gonna tell my parents (or am I even gonna tell them?)
-Where am I gonna get it placed - let's face it, society still has a very disgusting attitude towards people with body art, so I'd probably need to put it somewhere discreet
-Which parlour am I gonna get it done at - It's gonna last a lifetime, so I'm definitely not gonna get it done at some shady back alley

But boy, am I excited.

Oh it's such a strange and unforgiving life. And no matter what, no one makes it out alive.

A mess will always be a mess.

Accepting that fact is how you subtract the stress.

And I feel liberated.

And they scream, the worst things in life come free to us

He was like a brother to me. And I can't believe he left this world just like that - he turned 21 on the same day as me, without experiencing what the planet had in store for him.

You're in a better place now.

RIP Jackie

I'm selfless drunk on you, what more could I do?

Seeking solace in inanimate, lifeless substances & pursuits.

Things unsaid, feelings I die for it. Just help me to speak slow, and grip down my hips when I feel low

It's like the cumulative effect of many sudden realisations in the past hitting me all at once.

Why the fuck am I trying so hard for some people that I hold so dear to my heart, yet they have the audacity to drop me in a second, without looking back.

This isn't their first time doing so, yet I can't help but forgive them whenever they disregard me.

I'm just wired this way, loyalty means so much to me but it seems like I'm remaining loyal to all the wrong people.

PATHETIC but I can't bear to leave them.

I'm waiting for it, that green light, I want it

A Drinking Song
by William Butler Yeats

A vacant lot, my tangled thoughts

Afraid that I'll never get my shit together, fearful that this semester's gonna mess me up again, uneasy because of the way certain people make me feel.

I just want to cower under a rock or something, because my gut's telling me something horrible's gonna happen, and I wouldn't be as resilient as I thought myself to be.

Unmet expectations and disappointments.

She never left the city but she's not local.

‪It seems like a perfect night to run away from responsibilities and be a disaster.‬

And you can be darn sure I won't disappoint.

I refuse to look back thinking days were better, just because they're younger days

It's just gonna be another addition to an empty number that means nothing.

Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten

Unbeknownst to many, poverty is a very real(albeit touchy) matter in Singapore. I guess we(the privileged) get lost in our preconceived notions of "poverty" as being unable to spare cash for a music concert or having to delete items off our online shopping carts.

Many compromises that we make, such as eating at a hawker centre instead of going to a restaurant, may seem like unfortunate circumstances that we do not like to be caught in, but in the perspective of the destitute, a humble plate of $2 nasi lemak can be ethereal.

This morning, we participated in a CIP titled Project Minyak, where volunteers were tasked to visit one of the poorest neighbourhoods in Singapore, that consisted of the Jalan Minyak, Jalan Kukoh and York Hill estates. Most of the blocks were one-room rental flats, and the demographic of the residents varied vastly - the elderly (especially those without children), the injured & disabled(physically, mentally), ex-convicts, drug abusers etc. This experience opened my eyes and helped shed some light on the complex social issues that are somewhat hidden yet largely prevalent in our thriving nation.



Something that saddened me greatly were the pre-paid electricity meters positioned at the exterior of the flats, they're basically an implementation by Singapore Power that allows for pay-per-use usage of electricity because some households are unable to pay their monthly electricity bills on time(resulting in frequent power cuts). This restricts residents to having to buy tokens that contain cash value, and slotting them into the meters in order to consume electricity. And the sad reality is that most of the meters showed credit amounts of less than $10, and one even displayed $0.01. Sure, this scheme will allow SP to collect payments timely but it's kind of depressing having to constantly check the meter outside the house, and thinking, "should I switch off the fridge for today, or be shrouded in darkness for the rest of the month because I can't afford to pay to top-up my credits for utilities?"

It was extremely humbling as we went around interviewing the residents to understand about their lives and the problems that they faced. Some were burdened by injuries and health problems that restricted them from getting stable jobs, while others were barely coping by living off their savings and handouts from welfare groups and the government.

An elderly man shared that his failing vision caused him to lose his job as a chef, and he has to wait 3 months for an eye surgery before he could start looking for a job. However, he still had a jovial disposition and shared that childless people like him had to do what they had to do to get by. Besides cooking, his favourite pastime was light drinking with friends, and somehow that brought a smile to my face. Optimism and unwavering determination even in the face of tough times.

But I'm bereft, you see

I sat with you beside your bed and cried
For things that I wish I'd said
You still had your nails red
And if I live past 72, I hope I'm half as cool as you

if I get high enough, will I see you again?

Last night,
you were holding my hand as you brought me about the neighbourhood.
I was my 10 year old self, and you were just, well, you.
And I was happy because,
we haven't done that in the longest time.
Pity that we cannot record our dreams and view them as we please.
But I was certain I was smiling in my sleep.

I count my time in dog years, swimming in sevens

don't you realise it's just a perpetual cycle of you hurting me, and me hurting you?
fervently trying to one-up each other at every given chance, I think I'm starting to get tired from these games

The lasers fill our minds with empty plans

It's okay to be not okay.
I'll never be the same again.

Red sky in the morning

It's funny how you feel when you stop crying, if you've been crying with someone else. It's embarrassing of course, but quite comfortable too, in a way. You feel loving, and close together, and empty, too.

Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven

12 hours in the hospital, but we're still going strong.

I don't want you to suffer, we've been in sorrow since the morning because you have been such a wonderful person, a revolutionary figure in our lives, I am forever indebted to you, and knowing that I can never repay you after you pass on makes me want to cry even more. You've suffered enough, and you belong with Jesus and God in Heaven.

I thought I was immune to this, especially when the doctors told us you barely had 3 months left to live. But I guess a part of me was still feigning ignorance, and did not want to accept the fact that you're slowly fading away as the clock ticks.

I just want you to feel loved and leave without pain, and I hope that today has been a shining example of my hopes. It's the eve of the Chinese New Year, but our plans of having a hearty reunion dinner were dashed when the doctor gave us a warning that you were going through your final hours this morning when your BP dipped to a level of an all time low.

There is no reunion dinner, but I felt streaks of homeliness and togetherness even in the hospital because everyone is here. Your immediate family, your brothers and sisters and their families are all here to give you support and to say their prayers. You're bedridden and in a daze, but I hope you were able to hear us all clearly when we held your hands and told you our final goodbyes. Please leave calmly and peacefully without trepidation, because your kids and grandkids are all grown up and are able to take care of themselves. I haven't been the best person, doing things that I've regretted deeply and just being a wreck, but I really hope you'll forgive me for all my wrongdoings and vices.

You'll be able to gaze down on us and protect us, even in the Promised Land. In the meantime, we're all by your side at the hospital with you. You are highly favoured, and no evil shall ever befall you. I love you so much.

Romans 8:31

I tear up each time at the thought of you.

What am I but a feeble human being after all?

It's beyond my capabilities to be your saving grace, your wonderwall.

But I vow to hold your hand the way you'd held mine when I was still a young thing.

I promise to visit you as often as possible, and regale you with stories that took place in the past.

I swear to not lose faith ever, that there's a chance for a miracle, for you to be set free from this suffering.

All this I would do, until the day God decides to call you home to Heaven.

如果那天我...

那么多如果,

可能如果我,

可惜没如果,

只剩下结果...