was it all, anymore, faded after all?

at times, I look back at what transpired between May and June, and can't help but feel crippled with fear

I've never been at such a stage in my life - a crying mess, an uncontrollable insomniac, an overthinking fool

the thought of everything still haunts me from time to time

I thought I experience darkness before, but no, that was truly the worst.

the cold sweats in bed, social anxiety, sleepless nights of overthinking, my brain on overdrive, my body weak from crying all day

I never ever want to be in that bad place anymore.

This was what it was like to be swallowed whole, and grasping onto what bits and pieces I have left of myself

I will not let anyone, not even the love of my life, do this to me again.

I'm no longer going to be the same weak person that anchors her happiness onto the whims of others

not enough colours in the world, thought I would invent some

opened up my world to a special someone this month

I need to stop myself from self-sabotaging situations

do not. poke the. dragon.

kill me softly, your hold on me is something I can’t explain

the saddest of all days

was when you told me all was lost, and I couldn't do anything to fix it

my vision turned to grey, as if the tears clouding my eyes were like a B/W filter

i couldn't help but look at you, i couldn't help but cry into your arms

i couldn't help but envision my life without you, and i felt paralysed with fear

i may never recover from this

that's enough, give me a body I can touch

travel is back!!!

got back from JB last week with 3 pals, but that isn't enough to satiate my suppressed wanderlust

flying to Saigon in a week, I'm especially excited since it has been 2 years since my last flight

my rudimentary itinerary:
- eat banh mi
- eat pho
- eat bun cha
- eat bun thit
- eat hu tieu
- drink coconut coffee from Cong cafe (lifechanging drink I discovered 3 years ago in Vietnam)
- drink all the fucking craft beer (going back to my fav spots such as East West Brewery, Pasteur Street Brewery, plus trying new ones on this trip)
- hit some bars/clubs

it's like covid never even happened

生活有点坎坷

what kind of character development is this?????

put me through hell, then reach out to give me a little breather, but the room around me is still burning

God, this isn't Euphoria

does this story have a happy ending?

what a perfect day for crying

2022 musings

greed got the better of me

clouded my judgement

every single day, I'm paying for my mistake

and at once I knew, I was not magnificent

i knew at that moment, that you were never gonna take me seriously, that you were never gonna hear me clearly, that you would fault me for you failing to hear what I said.

i knew that at that moment, there was nothing left for me to fight anymore

if you cant admit to your mistakes, and would like to pin your shortcomings on me, then im choosing to leave. i cannot let you gaslight me again, invalidating what ive told you, not accepting that you were in the wrong in this situation

if you had human decency in you, and you loved me, you would not have pushed me into a corner, you would have been receptive to what ive said, you would not have blamed me for you not hearing what id clearly communicated to you

only fools fall for you

you will never, never understand how I feel

you're not even sorry you got caught in your web of lies and deceit

this is never gonna go our way

two sides, a double life, something to remember me by

all that I am, all that I do, all that I could be

only a select few will know the real me

I think I know what I'm doing so don't stop me

been left behind, so all I can do is to put in more effort than the others

do you see my resolve and determination?

this town, this place, reeks of prejudice

the leaders have the people on leashes

meanwhile, I'm clawing my way out of the labyrinth

I will never want to raise my kids in the wastelands

I could die, could die and never cry again

wasted all this time, such a shame

two can play this game

just watch me

I've given in countless times

now, you can't fucking move me bitch

when nothing’s ever as it seems, come and cover us in endless dreams

being with you is like doing life in hard mode

everyone's taking the easy way out

and they still have the audacity to complain

meanwhile, we gotta work doubly hard

for a semblance of a 'normal' life

but honey,

you make everything worth the while

afterall, mountains aren't new to us

we've been scaling them since 2018

even in death, you know I'll put you first

dear x,
I know you're reading this
thank you for enriching my life
cheers to us for hitting 3

this, I guess, is to tell you you’re chosen out from the rest

you're always in my head

I can't exist within my own head, so I insist on haunting your bed

https://discreetkisses.tumblr.com/post/650982535901462528/midnight-car-lights

please...I can't fall asleep at night, I spend my hours just being consumed by anxiety, I'm tired to the point where I'm beyond broken

the cycle repeats, the cycle repeats, the cycle repeats

you're a sight for sore eyes

saving for a future with you

we could be gigantic

it's not gonna be easy for us

but I'm gonna make it worth our while

seated at the kids table, and we eating with the grownups now

yeah I'm not gonna drink for awhile now

I'm just no longer the old me, my body can't seem to process alcohol like how it did back in the days

the first night of 2021, I got so fking drunk I puked all over the toilet at macpherson

subsequently, I think puked about 30% of the nights I drank excessively

so fucking tired of being hungover, I vomitted 5 times over the course of 12 hours 2 days ago

guess my body is trying to tell me something, yes I get it, I'm 25, I'm gonna hit the big 3-0 in a couple of years

my liver isn't in its prime

maybe I'm just partaking just to relive my younger days, oh, the irony

note to self: start growing wiser, instead of growing older

eighteen flowers and I'm back again

the temptation to retrace my steps is overwhelming

I'm just a fraction of my old self, with my patience running thin, my energy levels depleting with time, my spirits in disarray

where am I

who am I

scrolling through my past made me realised I'm just a hollowed shell now

I'm sorry, I used to be more spontaneous, more fun, more risk-taking, more wild, more happy

such a shame

it's akin to paying for Spotify Premium but still getting ads

and if I fall apart, will I be forgiven?

never saw life like this, good God, nights like this

I need a minute to figure this out.

We grew up too fast, fresh out of university, we were catapulted into offices, working for big corporations.

Struck by the reality that time waits for no one, day in and out, we face a screen for 10 hours just to save up for a future that is still relatively uncertain.

What about people like us? People that fall through the cracks, people that take unconventional routes, people that are slower than the rest, people that are treated like second-class citizens? The ones that cared to be different. Ignored, forgotten, because the big boys only care for the voices of the majority.

We are not slogging for a future here, we are toiling so that we can find an improbable escape.

Remember that. Now, continue working for the rest of your lives.

I've been dying to pick up where we both left off

so drained, gonna keep my eye on the prize, and hold on until I can't feel my hands